DVD Review: The High Schooler’s Guide To College Parties

Even though I’ve long since stopped being a teenager, sometimes I am still in the mood for a teen comedy. The High Schooler’s Guide To College Parties tells the tale of Shaquille (Nate Rubin), a teenager who hopes to get a college scholarship by throwing a big party. If that sounds like a stupid idea, it’s because it is. But when you’re seventeen, it’s not like you’re seeing all your options clearly, and you’re sometimes likely to latch onto whatever opportunity comes by first. Nate has latched onto the idea of getting a scholarship from self-described “success wizard” Wilford Gates, whose “self-help” tapes he listens to avidly.

During the opening credits sequence, little text messages pop up on screen, along with a sound effect (over a rock version of “Deck The Halls”), which is annoying. Fortunately, there is only one other moment in the movie when that happens. We are introduced in fairly quick succession to a number of characters, whose names – along with a few important personal details – appear on screen. Nate’s closest friends are Sideshow (Kris Kiley) and Chelsea (Brina Palencia), the latter of whom has something of a crush on him. Shaq’s plan is to attend his cousin Brett’s winter break costume party because Gates is going to be there. But when it turns out the party has been canceled because that house is going to fumigated that weekend, Shaquille offers the use of Sideshow’s house (as his parents will conveniently be out of town that weekend). Brett agrees, but stipulates that no other high school kids can attend.

Sideshow, oddly not bothered by the fact that he wasn’t consulted about his house being used, smartly reminds Shaquille that he doesn’t even know anything about throwing a high school party, never mind a college party. But Shaquille has a notebook, a guide to college parties. Thus, the title!  He hands it to Sideshow, who comments, “It’s blank.” Shaquille responds, “I haven’t had time to fill it in yet.” His delivery is great, as he doesn’t try to sell the line. Some bits – like that bit about the notebook – are really funny, and some bits – like that thing about a spirit ribbon – are not. Also, as far as I can recall, that notebook, so well established, is then never mentioned again. It feels like the movie misses a lot of good opportunities like that. Anyway, the film then follows the kids as they try to buy alcohol, book a band, and keep their high school peers from finding out about the party.

There are several funny scenes and moments in the film. I love when a girl suddenly asks, “Why do all the guys say I’m crazy?” She had asked if she looked fat, and Sideshow told her that was crazy, and she erupted in response, startling him. And the bit where the band manager says that “bass players are temporary at best, hardly part of the band at all” is funny. The film also has some decent performances, particularly by Brina Palencia as Chelsea.

But it also resorts to a lot of clichés, as well as scenes and moments stolen from other films. For example, there is a scene where a girl uses a banana to demonstrate how to give a blow job, which of course will remind you of the carrot scene from Fast Times At Ridgemont High (and hey, who carries a banana in her purse anyway?). And Brett’s two friends apparently are also named Brett, which should remind you of the three girls named Heather in Heathers. And, geez, there is a scene where Chelsea goes to a liquor store and nervously purchases several things she doesn’t need, while attempting to purchase a keg of beer. If that sounds familiar, it’s because you saw that scene already in American Graffiti (“Let me have a Three Musketeers, and a ballpoint pen, one of those combs there, a pint of Old Harper, a couple of flashlight batteries and some beef jerky”). The scene where they go to a drug dealer’s house to pick up some weed has also been done several times before. Though in that scene it’s funny when the dealer says “staring at the ceilings.”

There are also some minor continuity issues, as well as problems with the editing. For example, Shaquille tells Sideshow to keep the band’s lead singer away from alcohol, and in the next scene, the band’s manager warns Shaquille about the singer’s problems with alcohol. What the hell? They reversed the scenes for some reason. And actually, when Shaquille and Sideshow arrive at Sideshow’s house, somehow there are already a lot of people inside, and the place is decorated. How did that happen? In a better movie, these might be a bigger problems, but this entire movie feels disjointed, and it just doesn’t add up to much.

The High Schooler’s Guide To College Parties was directed by Patrick Johnson, and was released on DVD on May 23, 2017 through MVD Visual. The DVD contains no special features.