DVD Review: Kung Fu And Titties

When I told my girlfriend the title of this DVD when it arrived, she laughed. She also knew (without saying so) that a movie called Kung Fu And Titties was right up my alley, for I, like a lot of guys I know, am still twelve years old in some ways. Or perhaps just in one way: I am still completely coo-coo for breasts. My expectations for this film were understandably low, yet I was still excited to see it.

It’s not long before we see boobs. Richard (Sean Molnar), an amateur fighter, is nearing forty and not doing well in the ring. A girl comes in after his fight and mistakes Richard for a guy named Francis, telling him she’s hot for him and immediately taking off her shirt. The breasts are accompanied by a goofy sound effect, but so what. Like I said, I’m still twelve, and I appreciate a nice pair of breasts like these. But when Richard admits he’s not Francis, she puts her shirt back on (to no accompanying sound effect) and tells him, “Francis is going to hear about this,” which is great. Seriously, this movie had me laughing out loud. Like when Richard asks Marv, “Who the hell carries around packages of bologna in their bag?” and Marv answers, “You’ll find out when you’re my age.”

Richard’s girlfriend, Cynthia (Seregon O’Dassey), is on his case about losing weight. And she’s pregnant. Richard’s sister has stopped by because her boyfriend has been kidnaped. At that moment, Cynthia too is kidnaped. Richard tries to stop the kidnapers, and in the process is sucked into another dimension. And all of that is in the pre-credit sequence to this absurd film.

Once in the other dimension, Richard is immediately attacked by a man in a gorilla suit (Mike Marino) and meets Two Dogs Fucking (Bronson Pinchot), both of whom agree to help him find his girlfriend. Cynthia is being held captive by a dirty old man named Zeefros (John Archer Lundgren), who collects women and has them strip and dance for him (which means we’re treated to shots of topless women in cages). He is also obsessed with Raine Brown, who plays herself in this film. Two Dogs Fucking believes Richard is the chosen one, there to save everyone in this dimension and usher in a new era. Okay.

Sure, the movie is kind of stupid, but deliberately, gloriously so. And there is plenty to make me laugh. Like when a French villain says: “You are like breakfast without wine. You are like an armpit without hair.” Or when Richard asks Gorilla, “You just gave up on your kid?” and Gorilla responds, “I didn’t give up on my kid; Zeefros ate him.” Generally, fart jokes aren’t funny, but I couldn’t help but laugh when a flatulent man says, “There’s a bit of solid in that one.” There is even a musical montage as Gorilla helps Richard train for his fight with Zeefros. It does go on quite a bit longer than necessary, however. And actually a good ten minutes could be cut from this film without losing any of the plot or any of the funny jokes.

It’s interesting that for a movie obsessed with breasts, there’s a surprising amount of homoeroticism. And for some reason we keep getting shots of some chick trying to remove a chastity belt. But, whatever. This is a movie that never once asks to be taken seriously. And be sure to watch all the end credits, for there’s an extra bit at the end that made me laugh.

Kung Fu And Titties was directed by Joseph McConnell, and was released on DVD on August 11, 2015 through MVD Visual. The DVD contains no special features.