When the movie opens, a nun walks through a graveyard,
while we hear a news report about a search for Miss Blair (a nod to The
Exorcist, obviously) who is accused of the torture and deaths of several
boys and girls. The nun walks to the water and says to it, “The world has
betrayed me, so the world will taste my vengeance.” When a woman suddenly
approaches her and threatens to reveal what the nun has done, the nun pulls a
large blade from her robe and stabs her with it. She then pushes her body into
the water and asks Satan to send her an avenger in return. Time to cue the
goofy yellow-eyed CG shark. And Shark Exorcist is underway. (By the way,
no more will ever be said about the murdered boys and girls, so don’t go
thinking that’s part of the plot.)
One year later, three dippy girls are heading to a lake.
Lauren, the dumbest of the three, says “BFF” and expects the lake to
have waterslides. And Ali is having boyfriend troubles. Emily is the brunette
and so is the smartest and most likeable of the three. A sign at the lake says
“Swim at your own risk,” and Lauren can’t get eaten soon enough for me.
But it’s Ali that goes swimming and is attacked. Apparently, there was no money
in the budget for special effects makeup, and so there is no bite on Ali. Just
some fake blood on her leg. Just rinse it off and you’ll be fine, Ali.
But Ali is far from fine. According to her friends, she
is acting strangely, taking long baths and so on. Emily is concerned, and
reminds her, “Three weeks ago there was this chunk bitten out of your leg.”
(Not true, as we saw, but whatever.) Emily points out that there isn’t
even a scar on her leg. But we’re already well aware of that. After all, there
was never a wound. Meanwhile a redhead named Nancy Chase is doing a
low-budget exposé on the lake. She hosts a reality-type show titled Ghost
Whackers, which is shot by a guy with a cheap video camera. Though at
certain points she turns away from the guy with the camera and speaks directly
to us through the movie’s camera, oddly breaking the fourth wall, and giving
her cameraman a dubious shot of the back of her head. She also talks to the
water, asking if it’s true that sharks have been attacking people. She says, “If
there is a shark here, I believe it’s possessed, possessed by a demon.”
As for the film’s title, well, there is a priest named
Father Michael who gets a letter about the mysterious death of his brother, and
shows up to investigate. Father Michael seems to have some information on Ali’s
troubles. But for a movie titled Shark Exorcist, it doesn’t really have
much footage of the shark or the exorcist. And the shark footage that is there
is really awful. The shark and the actors are never in the same frame. The
movie also suffers from some terrible music, as well as some poor ADR. Watch
the priest’s mouth during the scene where he meets Emily. His mouth doesn’t
match the sound. And what’s up with the weird limping extra in the carnival
scene? Why is there a carnival scene anyway? Still, I did have fun watching
this one. Hey, at one point the shark arrives from space. It really doesn’t
make any sense whatsoever, but I’m not sure it was ever intended to.
By the way, two people are credited with special makeup
effects. Hmm. One of them is Alaine Huntington, who is also an actor in the
film. She’s also an associate producer. And the second unit director. And she’s
in charge of transportation in Louisiana. Shark Exorcist was written and
directed by Donald Farmer, and was released on DVD on June 28, 2016 through
Wild Eye Releasing. The DVD includes the movie’s trailer, as well as the
trailer for Raiders Of The Lost Shark.
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