Voice over at the beginning of the film mentions how
vampires have adapted and now walk freely among the population, “no longer
confined to the shadows.” That’s a nice set-up, promising something
different, a variation on the vampire sub-genre. But after introducing this
interesting idea, the film then fails to build upon it or use to good effect.
After actor Elizabeth Thornrich is murdered while on the
set of a horror film titled Chapel Blood, detectives Sasha Colfax
(Michelle Van Der Water) and Mike Hung (Sean Christopher according to the
opening credits, and Sean Hutchinson according to the closing credits) are put
on the case. They go undercover, immediately getting jobs on the set, Sasha as
the new lead actor and Mike as a grip. This is one of the major problems with
the film. Sasha is cast on the spot as the new lead (without having a headshot,
resume, agent, or even appointment). And Detective Mike Hung is hired as a grip
while he seems to be waiting with the people auditioning for acting roles. And
it’s the DP that hires him. And this is while the production is in progress.
Come on! If there’s one scene that all filmmakers should be able to capture
perfectly, it’s that of making a movie. So it does not bode well for this film
that they’re completely unable to get even one moment of that right. None of
the stuff on the set is the least bit believable. None of the folks on walkies
even have headsets. And at one point, Vincent Augustine (Glenn Plummer), the
director, tells his assistant that he doesn’t want to be disturbed for at least
an hour. An hour? How is his film ever going to get made? Directors don’t leave
the set for an hour. The assistant tells him the DP is threatening to walk
(maybe that’s because he was put in charge of hiring new grips partway through
the production). At another point, dancers show a routine to the director, but
while the choreographer is off in a break room. There is no way the
choreographer wouldn’t be present for that rehearsal for the director. At
another point the director says: “Roll sound. And action.” But we don’t
see any cameras or a sound person. And there is no one there to respond, “Sound
speed.” Also, it would be the first AD to say, “Roll sound,” not the
director. Clearly, the folks that made this movie had never stepped foot on a
film set before. Their inexperience shows in every frame.
The stuff about the blood bank crisis is absurd. It seems
at times that this movie is intended to be a comedy, except it’s not funny.
Anyway, Vincent Augustine is a vampire, and after a while the missing actor
turns up as a vampire as well. And soon after that, several crew members are
turned to vampires. Just as well, as there was no way they were ever going to
finish that movie. And though the crew members are being turned into vampires,
there are no real scares, just a series of shots of various people being
bitten. The entire film could be a music video set to a single song and you’d
lose little if any of the plot. Another problem is we just don’t care what
happens to these people.
And it’s never really clear why this vampire makes
movies. Is it a passion of his? Or a way to meet potential victims? It would be
interesting if he were actually a true film buff and his interest in film
defined him more strongly than his vampirism. (But perhaps I’m putting more
thought into this than did the writers.) There are hints of an interesting
friendship between the film director and another vampire, but this is also left
undeveloped. The movie also fails to delve into any weaknesses the vampires might
have. They’ve adapted and can walk among us undetected, but have they also
developed new weaknesses as a result? We don’t know. It’s another area left
unexplored.
Perhaps this was intended to be a comedy. After all, it
certainly doesn’t look like a horror film. It uses lots of bright colors. The
score doesn’t seem to be going for horror either. It’s more like the music of a
procedural police program combined with that of a soft-core porn. It’s
difficult to know just what the intended effect is, or what the intended
emotion is for its audience.
Beside all that, the writing is so poor. Mike Hung says
to Sasha: “So I talked to that maintenance lady. She didn’t know anything
though. You find out something?” And Sasha responds, “Not yet.”
Great. Thanks for that important and intriguing dialogue. The mayor says, “I
don’t need any bad press, especially from reporters.” Wait, who else would
give him bad press? Pastry chefs? Bus drivers? Early on, a character says he’s
looking for “something very unique.” Whoops! Hey, screenwriters,
something is either unique or it isn’t. There are no degrees of uniqueness. And
a news reporter named Crystal says, “There was no suicide note to shed why
she would have taken her life.” Did she mean “to shed light on why she
would have taken her own life”? Bad. Just bad.
Teeth And Blood was directed by Al Franklin, and
is scheduled to be released on DVD on March 10, 2015 through RLJ Entertainment.
The DVD includes no special features.
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